I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
You Might Also Like
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes