You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
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[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.