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My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal