i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
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Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
The honesty is refreshing
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
translated into Canadian
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*