Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
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Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
A duv-egg? In this economy?
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?