Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
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Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!