Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
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*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.