the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
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any last words?
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
secret recipe
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage