Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
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Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
If snakes were wide
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.