Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
You Might Also Like
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
thanks auntie mary
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Double negatives are never not confusing.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.