*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
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Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
The dark side of Canada
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