You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
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just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
gentlemen, hear me out
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Put a ring on it
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off