After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
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oh you like road-trips? name every road then
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.