Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
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*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
So inspired right now.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”