I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
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Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
british sex workers really pound for pound
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.