“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
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Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
My birthstone is kidney
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..