I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
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You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?