My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
You Might Also Like
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
are there any atheist mantises?
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.