[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
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UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Customize Your Wedding.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.