Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
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About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Follow me for more life hacks.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).