[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
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I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
fired
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it