Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
You Might Also Like
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️