[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
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Cutest fight ever.. 😊
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
WHO DID THIS?
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?