Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
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Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
God, I love Scotland