LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
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Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
awkward
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.