[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
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Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Ferrari squats
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for