I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
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HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.