Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
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tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Anyone want a chair?
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
The funk soul brother
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why