“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
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*pronounces surface like Versace*
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
getting corrected
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers