Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
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Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
This rocks
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.