BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
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i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?