Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
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How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger