i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
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animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
no one ever comes back
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert