I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
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Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box