The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
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My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.