Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
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Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.