What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
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In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.