Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
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cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.