Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
You Might Also Like
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx