Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
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My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.