NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
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The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.