So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
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[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Solving a traffic jam
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.