If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
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I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.