Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
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7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Sticker placement is key.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?