How did people charge their phones before electricity?
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if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Ha.
me and the Superbowl rn
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time