(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
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[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich