Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
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The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
This is my bus stop.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
The asteroid..
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile