me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
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I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
podcasts
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
monday
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
*sewing*
A thread