guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
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Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.