Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
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In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss